Fathers Day 2013

So I have this beautiful child, my son, he is now 4.5 years old and I cannot see my life without this child. Last week his preschool decided to make some cards for fathers day, and I didn't actually know about it until my son a week ago in the weekend got really upset. He was saying that everyone has a daddy, and he doesn't know his daddy and how much he really want's a daddy. Then I find out from preschool that my son was upset he didn't know his fathers name to write it on the card (I really think they could have read his file first as it is all on there). It was to say very emotional for him and I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I wiped his tears and gave him a huge huggle (our snuggle/hug)and felt really awful for him. On reflecting everything though I am sure there will be more times like this to follow, especially as my son gets older. I don't really know what I can say to him about his dad, how do you tell a small child that their father knows about them but chooses not to know them? That I even went ahead and got a parenting order and paternity order sorted that took longer than two years so he would know that side of his family? Still his father has never been in the picture, he rang me at 7 weeks pregnant on the phone and told me to make my own decision about the baby and what's best for me but he couldn't be with me and moved on to another relationship a week or so later. I really do not know enough about him or his family history to even share with my son in the first place. Raising my son on my own, well it has been such a beautiful and hard time, like pleasure and pain the whole way, but I can say with absolute certainty that there is nothing I would change because I have this absolutely amazing son that is half my genes and half of someone that doesn't want to know. I refuse to talk to my son about his father whom I thought would finally get in contact once the paternity results were proven. I figured if he gets in touch and they start to form a bond or relationship then yes we would have to talk about his father, but why talk about someone that still does not want to contact him? There has been no contact still since late last year when the results came in that proved parentage. There has been no cards for sons birthday, xmas easter etc, and no emails, no skype, nothing nada despite the parenting order stipulating he get in contact to set up skype dates with his son. I know through his mum that he was apparently reeling from being told he was my sons dad (a year ago) and I also told him right from the start we were having a baby, I had no doubt who fathered this child. I feel like he just is ignoring that he has a son, ignoring this child and yes, he has another daughter who lives with her mum in australia that he has contact with and it seems like it is too much effort to acknowledge he has another child, his first son. I know his own mum knows what it is all about as after her first marriage she raised two boys on her own for a time before marrying again. We definately got off to a rocky start in knowing eachother but we are distantly amicable now because of me proving parentage. So now I am at a crossroads with work and looking at do we stay here and live our lives in the area I grew up and also where my own mother is and friendships we have developed with other mums and children, or do we make it easy for him and move closer down to the south island where I have lived before and where I do have friends and in fact a best friend. If we do finance this massive move and upheave our lives and go there will he actually finally want to have visitation, and be consistent or will he just ignore him or worse be in and out of his life? I don't know what to do right now, but I do know that the beautiful card my son made his dad, is pride of place in the lounge as I said to him, you know that mummy is your daddy too, so why not write that card to mummy? And that is what he did with a big smile. Bless him, he really is a sweetheart :)

So I read another bloggers post today

It was by Single Dad Laughing - Dan Pearce and it was about him moving in with his current love, and how he had been married twice before and rushed into it because of being Mormon and no sex before marriage. It was quite enlightening to me and you know I read this post and thought, wow I never really thought about that before but it is so true, you do rush into things and think you love someone when sometimes it is just the hormones and that really made me look closely at previous relationships. There are lots of other reasons for rushing things, most recently for me well actually a year ago now I was overweight, solo parent with a 3.5 yr old son who has never known a father figure, I was sad and feeling dejected and thought the one thing missing in our lives was a dad for my son. I felt lot's of pressure on myself to provide this, but between raising him and working full time I didn't have any time to socialise and was just so exhausted all the time. A friend I had not seen for 3 years set me up with her cousin, he was 7 years older than I (nearly 40) and had been married 3 times, he had 3 sons to two different woman who he only saw sometimes on school holidays (ringing bells here). He had been living with his father and working night shifts for the past couple of years since his 3rd marriage failed to thrive (ringing bells......). When we met we just talked and talked that first day, then after that it was all on we talked and texted constantly and he started coming up to see me, we jumped into a physical relationship really quickly within 2 weeks, and then because he was travelling so far to see me and worked nightshifts we decided within 2 months of knowing eachother to move in together into a larger house (that would accommodate his sons when they came for school holidays). Let's just say once we moved in together I realised I had made a huge mistake, I felt sick to my stomach. I was wrong, my mum and friends were right but I didn't want to admit it and admit I had failed again and made another big wrong decision. We didn't really know eachother, I hated the house, location, neighbours were loud and I barely saw him as I was getting up to get my son and myself ready for work/preschool and he was just getting home from work. I still did all the cooking, dishes, washing chores but now it was double the load, I was finding it really stressful. Financially because he had been living with his dad, he didnt really know how to contribute properly and I was paying 80% of everything (rent, food, utilities), in the end I just snapped and asked him to leave at a really bad time of his life when his father had just passed away. He had been gone for 1 week for the funeral etc and I just realised that my son and I were much happier without him, and I know it was appalling timing and I felt and feel awful about it still. We had officially only been together 4 months but it felt like 4 years and we really just hated eachother in the end. It was really messy and the repercussions mean't I lost the house we were renting due to the expense on my own, had to move in with a parent for 3 months to save up again and my son was so much more confused than ever but in hindsight, I rushed into it because I was aching to provide my son with a male role model, a dad to play fight with and play video games and kick a ball with, someone to share the load financially and physically around the house. I was looking for my happy ever after (Hello, this only really does happen in movies). That was nearly a year ago now and I am happily a single parent to a 4.5 yr old son and we are so much happier and content as I have realised I am better raising my child alone right now, and it was not really a change for the better being with this guy or any guy. So the saying goes along the lines of Sometimes it is better to be alone than to be with just anybody. Oh and definately go with you gut instinct, mine has been way more reliable than my heart or head most of the time. (oh yeah also this is my first post for over a year....some things have changed but yes I will try and write once a day or realistically at least once a week now)